


the way you held me so tight, all through the night

by imadetheline



Series: Breathe In, Breathe Out [14]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Destruction of Alderaan (Star Wars), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, FebuWhump2021, Gen, Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-16 16:02:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29456424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imadetheline/pseuds/imadetheline
Summary: febuwhump day fourteen - "i didn't mean it."
Relationships: Leia Organa/Han Solo
Series: Breathe In, Breathe Out [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2140389
Comments: 10
Kudos: 50
Collections: febuwhump 2021





	the way you held me so tight, all through the night

**Author's Note:**

> title from love love love by of monsters and men

Leia slams her hand onto the door controls to her room furiously, barely waiting for the door to slide open before she’s stalking through it. Her nails are digging into the datapad gripped tightly in her hand, and for a moment, she just stands in her room and stares at the wall, breathing heavily. 

And then she blinks and drops the pad on her desk, her fingers sore from clutching it so tightly. It’s just another report of losses, of casualties. That’s all the reports are these days. And today, of all days, she can’t handle it, can’t read through the list of families that need to be contacted, or even more devastating: finding no family left to notify at all.

She slumps into her chair, not bothering with the lights, a hand coming up to one of her plaits. Her mother had taught her how to braid, to tell the stories of her people in her hair. She still remembers her mother sitting behind her when she’d barely been old enough to sit still, humming and telling grand stories as she braided Leia’s hair.

Leia grinds the heels of her hands into her eyes, grimacing. She’s been so busy she hadn’t even remembered today’s date until halfway through a meeting this morning. And it’d taken everything in her not to scream right then. Somehow it seems like a betrayal to the people who raised her--the planet that was her home--to forget the anniversary of their destruction. Especially when her hand is tangled up in all those deaths, and all the ones that keep happening under her command.

She’s been curt today and rude, and there’ll be hell to pay, but her mind is filled with static, and she doesn’t care. She doesn’t kriffing care. 

Her hand tangles in her braids again, pulling at loose strands. Leia sucks in a breath, ignoring the burning in her eyes. She will not cry. She has to keep going. Her parents had started this fight, and she will carry it on. There’s no time for tears. _I’m trying, mom… dad. I’m trying._

And then the door hisses open, and Leia whips her head around at the influx of light, pulling her emotionless mask back up with an effort. She can feel the cracks in it, spreading and deepening. Whoever this is needs to leave before she can’t hold it anymore.

They step into the room, and she can finally make out their face. It’s Han. Because of course it is.

Leia sighs heavily and turns back to her desk, ignoring him. But of course, that doesn’t do anything. “Hey, your worshipfulness, I was looking for you after your meeting. I need clearance for some parts for the Falcon and figured you might be able to speed that up.”

She wants to throttle him. But in her softest, sweetest voice, the one that promises danger, she whispers, “I’m a little busy right now. Why don’t you go through the proper channels like you’re supposed to? I’m not your ticket to getting whatever you want.” She clicks on the datapad distractedly just to have something to look at and back up her claim that she’s busy.

Out of the corner of her eyes, she sees him raise his hands pacifyingly, “Woah, I never said you were. But I just thought, with how much time you spend on the Falcon, you might want her in top shape. The heating’s already much better than in these rooms and-”

He’s still talking, rambling about how much better the Falcon is. But Leia’s not listening anymore. The static is buzzing in her ears, and as she looks at the datapad, unable to tear her eyes away from the blinking blue screen, she remembers why she hadn’t turned it on when she sat down. Names flash up at her and after every one: KIA. _Killed in Action._ So many names. How many are those of the few Alderaanian survivors? People she’s sworn to protect. How many people has she failed besides the 2 billion two years ago today?

She can’t take it anymore, her hand gripping the datapad with a vengeance. “Leave,” she hisses, interrupting the smuggler. And anyone else would immediately disappear at her tone. 

But Han isn’t anyone. “Ok, geez, princess, just thought you might want some company. But if-”

But her blood is boiling, guilt and bone-wrenching grief turned into the only emotion she lets slip past her mask: anger. She jerks upward, breathing heavily, glare piercing, “Why would I _ever_ want your company?!”

Leia regrets it as soon as the words leave her mouth. This is what she was afraid of. The mask slips, and she hurts people. Anger has always been the first outlet for her grief. And Han, Han who never lets anyone ruffle his feathers, takes a step back from her, his face falling. His voice is small when he speaks, stepping further backward, hand fumbling for the door controls behind him. “Alright. I understand.”

She blinks as he turns his back to her, and tears are burning in her eyes. She can’t handle him being mad at her, not today. She can’t lose him too. And it’s then her grief-addled mind finally understands what he’d really been saying when he’d been rambling about how much better the Falcon is than her room. He’d been inviting her to spend time in the Falcon... with him. Because he knows what today is. Because, of course, he does. He’d been there that day. Han understands, and in his fumbling way, he’d tried to help her, had tried to reach out. And she, in true Leia fashion, had pushed him away.

Before she can think about stopping herself, her hand shoots out, catching Han’s warm, calloused one. He freezes in the open doorway, back to her, light streaming in around his silhouette. The tears finally escape her eyes, tracing down her cheeks, and she chokes on a sob, “I’m sorry, Han. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t- I do want-” 

But she doesn’t know what else to say, doesn’t know how to truly apologize for lashing out to one of the only people she trusts, doesn’t know how to say she does want his company. She, a politician, a master of words, doesn’t know how to explain to him that she’s drowning, and she doesn’t know how to stop.

He pivots slowly, tall in the small space, taking care not to dislodge her hand, and she knows how she must look to him. But he’s staring at her softly, and she doesn’t deserve it. Leia tries to tear her hand away, but he catches it, squeezing it between his larger ones, and he smiles softly, “It’s okay.” 

And this time, she can’t stop the sob that wracks her body, but then his arms are around her, warm and encompassing and safe. And so she lets herself cry, hands grasping at his shirt, her mask cracked and broken around their feet as the grief she keeps so tightly locked up pours out. But for perhaps the first time since she lost her home, she feels safe in letting it out, here in his arms.

**Author's Note:**

> If you guys liked it leave a comment. They make my day! Seriously I love reading them so please leave me one cause they motivate me to write more! if you guys have ideas for other stories send me an ask on tumblr [here](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/imadetheline) or just yell about stuff with me. Info about me and all my other tumblrs are [here](https://infoabtmaddie.carrd.co/#)


End file.
